Imago Therapy

What does the word Imago mean?

"Imago" is the Latin word for image. Each of us has an "image" or "template" of love that is familiar and based on the care we receive from our parents or caretakers. This image developed a birth and throughout childhood. Our Imago can be described as a perception we carry with us internally of what love feels and looks like. It is based on how the people who love us when we were children interacted with us both positively and negatively. The significant people who help formed our Imago could be our parents but also our siblings, our grandparents, or anyone else who was a parental figure when we grew up. For example, our Imago could be someone with personality traits resembling those of our father who is charismatic, enthusiastic, joyful, creative, but also short-tempered, impulsive, and punishing, and/or our mother who is nurturing, dependable, reliable, loving but also critical, anxious and shaming.

The Imago and Whom We Are Attracted To

The Imago theory explains why if there are hundreds of people we meet in our lifetime who meet our conscious criteria of desirable traits for marriage or partnership, we only fall in Love with a few of them. We are attracted to and fall romantically in love with people who are an Imago match for us. While we have a conscious idea of the traits we want in a partner for example somebody tall, physically attractive, funny, reliable, responsible etc… our unconscious is looking for someone with both the positive and negative traits of our caretakers and the attributes we could not develop in childhood. This explains why Romantic Love has the following characteristics:

A sense of recognition: " There is something about you that seems so familiar. " Have I met you before? It feels that I have always known you."
A feeling of unification: " I feel one with everyone and everything"
A sense of wholeness: " You are the missing piece of my life"
A sense of necessity: " I can't live without you"

Imago Therapy

The Roadmap

The roadmap is based on the couples’ deepest aspirations for their relationship. The dream vision of their future together is the destination. Once both partners have a clear vision of the love they want, they will be guided on how to realize it steps by step by learning the tools and practicing the skills of communication, safety, and connection. There is a common assumption among couples that their problems need to be solved for them to get along and have the love they want. However, experience has shown us that when a solution has been found to solve one specific problem, another problem emerges in another part of the relationship. Looking at relationships as problems to be solved reinforces patterns of interaction that draw couples further down the rabbit hole. A better premise is to view love relationships as “an adventure to be embraced”. From this perspective, you will discover layers of depth and meaning that will enable you to profoundly connect with each other.

The Tools

The Roadmap

Almost every couple finding themselves in a relational impasse will tell you how much they have to try to communicate and how their efforts have failed. 92 % of communication is nonverbal. Too often couples even with good intentions, unconsciously undermine themselves as the level of stress they feel under attack brings repetitive patterns of reactivity on both sides. A common example of a relational impasse is when a partner's expressed anger triggers feelings of being controlled and results in withdrawing behavior in the other. “The more one gets angry and the more the other withdraws and the more one withdraws and the more the other gets angry”. After the couples have understood how their mutual behaviors have led them toward more of a relational impasse, they learn the tools called the “Imago dialogue.”